Football Gets Digested – Review of the Week

In the first of his weekly columns, Euan Davidson (with a little help from Michael Park) takes a look at the week in football through the eyes of a dangerous, dangerous man and the editor of the site. Who is not dangerous at all.

This was a week spent in the very heart of the transfer window so for many teams, the transfer flops from Summer and the frustrated youngsters get loaned out. Meaning there’s amazing panic buying and rumours aplenty, most of which have been made up by lazy journalists at red-tops.

 

Why Don't You Love Me?

• Robbie Keane spent the first half of this week in the kitchen, watching his Mummy (Spurs) and Daddy (Birmingham) decide who’s being burdened with him. Robbie wanted to go to his Daddy’s house, because since the divorce, he’s spending more money on himself, he’s got a nice flat with a new TV and he still plays XBOX. He’s also got the really expensive shower gel that Mummy never buys because ‘it’s not necessary, Robbie’. However, Daddy lied about being busy at work and therefore, little Robbie will be staying at home for the foreseeable future.

• Probably a nice guy but with a very punchable face, Kenny Miller has gone to Bursaspor from Rangers in a move that was settled over “cheeky vimtos”, probably. A £400k deal was reached, after speculation of an approach from AC Milan made everyone laugh for a few weeks.

• David Beckham has become largely irrelevant after injuring himself training with Spurs. He was also lambasted by no-one for taking son Romeo to see Spurs’ bitter rivals Arsenal play Wigan. Inconsiderate arse. Despite being injured he’s become even more famous by impregnating his mantis wife though; so we guess parts of him still work.

• An argument over the Olympic Stadium in London between representatives of West Ham and Spurs (them again) has
  

  Hated By Spurs

  brought out the worst in some folks. One sticking point in the Tottenham bid for the massive arena is that they’d probably have to change their name, as they er… wouldn’t be in Tottenham any more. There’s been outrage that Spurs, a team who just 130 years ago were playing on Tottenham marshes, have taken on such a controversial business practice. Supposedly it is Hotspur’s long-running (and entirely fictional) dispute with Leyton Orient which has prompted this move in an effort to kill them off once and for all.

• The SPL decided on a ten team league, because they don’t give the slightest shit about the fans who are already bored of the league and dwindling in numbers. The crux of the decision is that the Old Firm will generate more TV money for smaller clubs, which basically says everything you need to know about the people who were voting. Never mind that- they need actual supporters at the games, and that a larger league would have probably generated more money for more clubs, because the fans don’t matter, ha ha ha! It’s you that’s being disadvantaged, reader. Look at you, you fan. Go and have a wash, you look terrible.

• 

  £24 million for a proven goalscorer?

  Darren Bent went to Aston Villa for £24m and scored on his debut. £24m is a lot of money. We could buy at least a week’s shopping with that, for sure. We might even be able to get enough to feed Colin. It’s been a scary week for the striker as disgruntled Sunderland fans sent death threats on Twitter, where a person is very easy to track down and is therefore an ineffective way offering any genuine threat. People just don’t put the effort in any more. Whatever happened to magazine letter clipped out and pritt-sticked on a letter?

• Useless, misogynist gimp-pairing Andy Gray and Richard Keys made some derogatory comments about women including Karren Brady and female assistant referee Sian Massey. In an effort to make the situation go away, media mogul Rupert Murdoch is quoted (by no-one) as saying, “What? I agree. Women are shit.”. What a nasty man (allegedly). [A serious piece on sexism in football is scheduled for 3.30pm today. Keep your eyes peeled.]

• Blackpool’s Ian Holloway is refusing to sell happy playmaker Charlie Adam, because he’s not desperate to move, Blackpool are doing well, they’re in an okay financial situation and they’d be worse off without the former Rangers midfielder, because he’s really good. Meanwhile, in Cloud Cuckoo Land, top clubs are baffled that bids of around £4.5m for one of the league’s best performers have been rejected.

• Kenny Dalglish is said to be trying to sign son Paul as ‘Injury Consultant’ at the Anfield club. Dalglish Junior is a free agent after not even being good enough to manage FC Tampa Bay.

• Elsewhere, Demba Ba is said to be willing to move to League Two Morecambe as he is so desperate to get out of Hoffenheim that he’d pretty much go anywhere. Ross County are also said to be interested in the striker.

• Arsenal have placed a blank form in front of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and suggested that he uses it to change his name to something slightly less preposterous. Reports are suggesting that he will choose “Francesc Fabregas” in honour of his hero Samir Nasri.

Otherwise, literally nothing happened to anyone. Anywhere. There’s no point even trying to argue.

 

Rupert Murdoch Makes the 'Finger-Pyramid-of-Evil'