Football Gets Digested – Review Of The Week

In a blistering round-up of the week’s footballing events, Euan Davidson writes these words…

Torres Looking To Replace Sidwell As Chelsea's Number 9

Oh come on. Football got disillusioning this week as the Keys/Gray argument rumbled on (what’s to argue? They’re idiots!) with Keys resorting to the use of the disturbing term ‘banter’, and a veritable smorgasbord of incident, uh, smorgasbord-ed. Yeah. That works. I’m meant to be journalist…

  • Fernando Torres shockingly and perhaps disappointingly told Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish that he wants out of Anfield. Chelsea have been linked with a move, while Man City attempted to link themselves, a bit like me telling everyone I’m pretty much going out with Scarlett Johansson. I know she reads this. I know she’s out there. I love you, Scarlett.
  • Someone who might be playing along with Torres should he stay is former Ajax goal-sprite Luis Suarez. Unfortunately, most people remember him as the “World’s Worst Bastard Award” winner for 2010 after his handy heroics helped Uruguay progress to the Semi Finals of the World Cup, knocking out Ghana, or as Clive Tyldesley calls them, “All of Africa”. He cost £23m. That’s almost half a Fernando Torres
  • The Guardian exclusively revealed that Gareth Bale might be subject of an offer from Inter Milan over the summer, for around £40m. I’m saying nothing, because I want to work for said newspaper. Bias is king round these parts but you can read the editor’s take on the whole affair here.
  • In loan news, Robbie Keane looks set to join his boyhood heroes West Ham, from his boyhood heroes Tottenham Hotspur having previously played for boyhood heroes Liverpool and also boyhood heroes Celtic. He’s widely expected to prove that he’s past his best while aiding West Ham’s continuing demise.
  • International deity but domestic drone David Healy has joined Rangers until the end of the season. Twitter did a massive, collective LOL over it, but we’ll see. He surely needs to be good somewhere, right?
  • Criminally underused defensive midfield rock Sulley Muntari has joined Sunderland. You’ll remember him for being an excellent heartbeat of a throughly impressive Portsmouth team. That’s the same guy, now bereft of confidence after an uninspiring spell at Internazionale. Muntari also plays international football for Tyldesley’s “All Africa FA”.
  • David Luiz’s move to Chelsea from Benfica was called off after some discrepancy too boring to mention. Although it’s widely though that John Terry personally intervened in the move saying, “The only long-term replacement for John Terry is John Terry.” before giving an in-depth lecture on human cloning. Using powerpoint and everything.
  • To top off a busy week, giants Crawley Town have been given a mediocre draw away to Manchester United (no idea either). Insert some bizarre rhetoric about the “magic of the cup” when really, it’s the result of meticulous planning and a random draw system that allocates cup ties. And Neil Ruddock. That’s Football Focus sorted for next week then.

International Heavyweights Crawley Town Will Patronise Minnows Manchester United

We all look at each other, sigh and go home.

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