Things That (Probably Won’t) Happen in 2011

The last article I did was a premonition piece about the SPL. It didn’t exactly go like I had said, which I can only assume is a plot against my writing. Undeterred, I’m going to bloody tell you what might happen in the SPL and English Premier League in the second half of this season (2010-11 if you don’t have a calendar, you useless prick). I’m like Mystic Meg sans the androgyny.

You never see them in the same room...

I’ll try to cover Britain foremost, and European stories which are guaranteed to develop. I understand that there are leagues in Wales and Northern Ireland, and as cute as that is, they’re not going to be talked about because I have absolutely no idea what happens there.


  • Ronaldinho signs for Blackburn Rovers. “I came because I was fed up of the materialistic grandeur of Milan, and wanted to be somewhere real. I’m looking forward to seeing Roe Lee Park, standing in a massive queue at Gregg’s and foremost, working with Sam Allardyce… what?” the troubled Brazilian (which is also the name of a sexual position) tells a nervous press and chairman while tucking into a KFC, the bucket visibly shaking.
  • Following on from their loss at home to Celtic, Rangers sell all of their players, apart from Nazi General look-alike Sasa Papac, because he’s actually quite good, and David Weir, because <inevitable age joke>. Kenny Miller joins AC Milan, and is paraded in an open-top bus for approximately some fans. In World News, David O’Leary’s Middle-Eastern adventure comes to an abrupt end for no particular reason.

    O'Leary Signs To Take Over From Mystic Meg at The Sun

  • Manchester City signing Edin Dzeko scores a hat-trick on his debut, leading Alex Ferguson to launch a scathing attack on Roberto Mancini by stealing his morning newspapers and using his famous blue and white scarf for auto-erotic asphyxiation.


  • Birmingham’s continued slump causes Barry Ferguson to pursue a career as a philosophical writer. Alex McLeish attributes their faltering season to Nikola Zigic, who’s awful. On the other side of Brum, Houllier’s Aston Villa, who have managed to snare Milan Baros, Djibril Cisse, El-Hadji Diouf and Stephane Henchoz, are rejuvenated by a series of draws that sees everyone chronically bored.
  • Hoffenheim, on their 44th manager since the resignation of safe pair of hands Ralf Rangnick, go on a run of wins that sees them contending for the title, before suffering an identity and confidence crisis that sees the village team relocate to a slightly nicer village. “It’s nice, actually”, management insist, as fans nod politely.
  • Gareth Bale scores a total beast of a free kick. No joke here, there’s every chance he will.


  • Delight for fans of Alloa Athletic as an Earthquake causes them to move somewhere less terrible.
  • A Qatari consortium takes over Partick Thistle. “The management at the club is aiming for Champions’ League football at Firhill by 2012”, a spokesman for the group claims, reaching for an oxygen mask and weeping softly.
  • Everton’s poor form sees David Moyes develop a constant look of a wind-battered sea captain. Things start to pick up around late March, however, as Tony Hibbert becomes a train driver and forgets this whole thing ever happened.“It’s a good move for Tony, and we’re all delighted for him” says a pleased Moyes, thinking about getting home in the dreadful hailstorms that the Daily Express claim to be: “the right kind of justice from our righteous Lord over a society that allows the Metric System to happen.”
  • The title race begins to hot up as Manchester United lose points, and Tottenham put a winning streak together, leading Harry Redknapp to downgrade his facial terror status from “red” to “a mild peach colour”. There isn’t much joy for Chelsea, as Carlo Ancelotti leans further towards the managerial guillotine, a device implemented by The Sun, which is condemned “horrific” by the LMA.

    Ancelotti is publicly executed in front of the Shed End.

  • In France, Marseilles’ coach Didier Deschamps releases an album of Queen covers. “The songs stir up the players,” says the World Cup winner. “Gabriel Heinze goes absolutely mental if we don’t get a stirring rendition of ‘Killer Queen’ from all the lads. He once had Taye Taiwo in a headlock for 14 hours for not reaching B#. Can you imagine being in a headlock that long? It was awful.” The tactic sees them claim top spot in Ligue 1, which is pretty good going, because that league’s quite tough.


  • Noted psychopath Joey Barton follows me home every night because of something I’ve written here.
  • April is a busy, busy month. John Travolta revokes his heavily sponsored support of Australia after an altercation which sees Tim Cahill sectioned under the Mental Health Act. “He was a corner flag, I swear he was a corner flag”, Cahill repeats to himself. He recovers in time for Everton’s ascent up the Premier League, which sees them at a steady 14th.
  • Arsene Wenger says something that’s debatable.
  • Referees strike in Italy, after Marco Materazzi signs a new contract with Internazionale. “We can’t do this anymore. We just can’t. He’s completely mental” says one unnamed official, who reports suggest was made to re-enact The Ten Plagues by the centre-back.
  • Hearts’ surprising challenge to the Old Firm sees Jim Jeffries become an unlikely sexual icon in Edinburgh. “He’s so hot,” claims one Napier student: “I bet his orgasm is like an angry kettle going off.”
  • QPR’s Neil Warnock tells fans not to get too excited as an admittedly exciting run of form culminated in a real push for promotion. Hammering the point home, Warnock fields 11 ineligible players in all of their April fixtures, just to make a point. “Where’s your fucking promotion now, eh?!” he screams, kicking a fan on the shins and dancing.
  • A rather lacklustre set of performances by Borussia Dortmund sees a change of tack as they abandon the colour yellow. “Nope, it isn’t real”, insists Jürgen Klopp, who leads the team to the Bundesliga title.
  • Didier Drogba’s worrying lack of goals for Chelsea sees new manager Terry Butcher embroiled in a ‘tapping-up’ scandal, as the Londoners chase Ross Tokely’s signature. “We’re furious that Terry Butcher exists,” claims Inverness Caledonian Thistle’s chairman, whose name I can’t be bothered researching. Jose Bosingwa becomes so disillusioned that his brow separates.
  • Rangers lose a game or two.
  • Barcelona wrap up the title in spectacular form, as George Burley’s Real Madrid fall apart in the latter months of the season. “We were not challenged,” understates Pep Guardiola’s Barcelona, who didn’t break a sweat in their entire set of fixtures in April, due to amazing technology that will change everything.


  • Arsenal win the English Premier League, their first trophy since 2005. The title-winning side are without Nicklas Bendtner, who is injured back in March after a horror tackle from team-mate Emmanuel Eboue, who was just doing as he was told.
  • FC Copenhagen reach the final of the Champions League. No, really.
  • A heavy night of “Just Dance” on the Nintendo Wii sees an internal enquiry at Leeds United, in which 20 of their staff are found guilty on sexual harassment charges. “We’re not really sure what happened”, claims a spokesperson for the club, who have still managed promotion to the Premier League, along with surprise package Bristol City. “It’s the unpredictability of this league which makes it so fucking hard to write about”, claim the Scheidt’s Footballing Miscellany writers.
  • AC Milan’s Kenny Miller wins the Golden Boot in Italy, as his team wins Serie A with a hard challenge from Roma, who are pretty good.
  • Lille romp to their first Ligue 1 title, because I think that’d be nice.

    It'll be tough to get an open-top bus round these streets

  • Romelu Lukaku agrees a pre-contract agreement with Manchester City. Roberto Mancini heralds Football Manager, and in an embarrassing PR gaffe, refuses to recognise Belgium as a sovereign state, causing a huge diplomatic argument that no-one really cares about.
  • Hearts win the SPL, in what is internationally known as “The McMindfuck Affair”. Jim Jefferies finally reveals himself to be an anthropomorphic pot-plant.
  • I lose my job on Scheidtcast for touching everyone up.

Have a nice 2011, you horrible lot.

Euan Davidson


1 Comment

Filed under Football, Soccer

One response to “Things That (Probably Won’t) Happen in 2011

  1. stefanbienkowski

    Fantastic article. Had me crying the whole way through. Football would be a much more entertaining sport if these things came to pass.

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