A Geordie on Derby-Day.

Ever wondered what it’s like to be a Geordie on derby-day? Read on then dear Scheidt fan.


Woken up by alarm. Not happy as I was having a dream where I threatened to quit football forever and Paul Gascoigne turned up with some beer and a new pair of boots to talk me out of it.


Realised that ‘Goals On Sunday’ doesn’t start for almost three hours so decided to have another hours kip. Then remembered who we’re playing today and realised that there’ll be no sleeping done with that in mind.


Can’t remember which socks are my lucky socks so will have to walk around bare-foot or else risk wearing a pair of unlucky ones. Also weighing up the pros and cons of which Newcastle kit to wear. This years (untried in a derby atmosphere), last years (successful but only at a lower level), two years ago (failed miserably home and away, floppy collar), 1995 vintage (hasn’t fit me for 10 years).


Made scrambled eggs. Put some ketchup on them and inadvertently did it in vertical lines. Debating wether or not I can eat a meal that looks so much like red and white stripes.


Ate the eggs. They were cold.


Trying to predict what the starting line-ups will be. Spend a full ten minutes weighing up wether Nolan would be more effective in a midfield three or just off Andy Carroll. Envy Sunderland fans slightly for just having to think “Is Bent playing?”


Sparing a thought for Steve Bruce. Then remembered how much his habit of starting every sentence with “Well, as you know, I’m a Geordie” just to boil my piss.


Received various texts from friends in Sunderland, being called various colourful names and having my upbringing brought into question. Replied with a reminder that when they go on holiday they actually pretend to be from Newcastle to impress foreign lasses. And that it’s ‘howay’ not ‘haway’, savages.


Also trying to remember what “FTM” means.


“First Time Mother”?


Have first pint of the day in hand. It was passed back to me because I’m not even within sight of the bar. Also wondering where the expression “you couldn’t swing a cat in here” actually came from.


“Furniture and Textile Museum”?


Physically cringing at Sky Sports Halloween themed build-up to the game. Might see if the bookies will take a bet on how often Andy Gray will use a trick or treat metaphor.


Impressed that Peter Reid has managed find a suit without bean stains for his day on tele. Don’t think it’s fair that Allardyce is allowed to talk about his expensive kitchen in front of him though. It belittles his caravan.


It’s “Fuck The Mags”. If I’m being honest I knew that all along.


Sky are using the stock footage from the start of the season in all their graphics. Wondering if the Newcastle team regret the moustache banter yet, it’ll be on TV until the end of the season now.


Realised that I don’t care really, it’s only a game.


Realised that’s a massive stinking lie.


It’s been all us in the first two minutes. We’re clearly going to win.


Sunderland break away and should have scored. We’re clearly going to lose.


Phil Bardsley puts in a great last-ditch tackle on Andy Carroll. Perfectly timed but I still want a penalty.


Darren Bent having a good winge to his team-mates about the service he’s getting. He’s having to use his mouth and hand-signals because they’re not on Twitter.


LOVELY JUBBELY! 1-0. Kevin Nolan scores after a period of sustained pressure. “It’s been coming” Says a man who’s just thrown his pint in the air behind me.


SHIT-BISCUITS! I saw earlier that Nolan was 8/1 first goalscorer… chance firmly missed. I’m also covered in beer.


“There’s no flag! It’s Kevin Nolan again! It’s 2-0!” I’m quite enjoying this now to be honest.


Steve Bruce is doing quite a good job of hiding how pleased he secretly is with the score.


The way this is going we’re going to get a 3rd before half-time.


Oh, we have a penalty now. Well I did ask.


Half-time. 3-0. Best. Game. Ever.


Even Monkey’s Heed has abandoned ship now.

Richard Keys: “Not a great half for your team Peter”

Rediy: “My ex-team…”


I’ll honestly not be happy if we don’t score A MILLION GOALS today.


Can’t help feeling this game isn’t as cut and dried as it looks. Afterall, this is Newcastle United we’re talking about. We can make a mess of more or less anything.


Massive goal-line scramble on the Newcastle box. Fears certainly look justified.


It’s been nearly 4 years since Titus Bramble combined his horrendous judgement with his glaring lack of ability at St James Park. It’s quite welcome to see it now though. Red-card. Game Over.


Lee Cattermole doing his best to get sent off or break a record for number of needless niggly challenges. He’s a man with all the likeable charm of thrush.


4 nil now. Ameobi again. I’m glad I’m not from Sunderland. More so.


It’s being pointed out that this is probably the best side Sunderland have ever had.


It’s also being pointed out that Kevin Nolan’s just scored a hat-trick. 5-0!


I think FTM stands for “Five Trick Magpies”. Not my best work, admittedly.


Ok, it’s 5-0 and there’s 10 minutes left. But only now am I starting entertain the idea that we’re actually going to win this.


Darren Bent goes and ruins EVERYTHING by scrambling the ball home from under the nose of Tim Krul. Day spoiled.


And very nearly does it again…


And there’s the whistle. 5-1 in the end. I love football. Goodbye everyone, I’m away to drink myself to death, as is the local tradition.


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