The bluffer’s guide to the Premiership. Week 1.

Totally pretend these are your opinions and people will regularly mistake you for the offspring of John Barnes and a friggin’ monster truck.

The inaugural weekend of Premiership action kicked off with Spurs vs Man City at the old White Hart Ground. Aside from both sides somehow managing not to score, despite having both spent enough on centre forwards to finance a gory political coup led by seven different rappers. Joe Hart played pretty well, tell people you think he should have played in the World Cup as well, that’ll show off your footing ball knowledge.

What else happened you ask? Well Birmingham’s Villa humped London’s West Ham thanks to a goal from current ejector seat occupier Jim Milner. He’s a really top bloke though, if you love football, you’ll like him. Villa’s Stylian Petrov also scored, what a rarity that is, eh!

Everton’s Tim Howard gifted Blackburn the only goal of the game at Ewood Park when he dropped the ball, un-challenged, at the feet of “the future of Croatian football” Nikola Kalinić. Oh the irony! If only the goal-tender had some kind of adhesive on his goal-tending gloves, like, y’know, some toffee! Everton’s nickname is the toffees by the way.

New boys Blackpool got off to a flyer at Wigan by netting a quartet of goals in their debut game in the premiership league. Of course, it won’t be that easy every week but orange they glad they got off to a good start!

Fulham and Bolton failed to break the deadlock in the battle of the seasons worst kits. But hey, it’s not about the cloth on your body, it’s about the balls at your feet. Both of which were a bit rubbish. But not as rubbish as referee Anthony Taylor, according to Sunderland boss, Steven Bruce.

He was fuming at the performance of the noob whistle-blower who, despite giving the red ‘n’ whites a penalty kick instead off a further back, less good kick, had managed to convince his team to throw away a two goal lead. He also gave Lee Cattermole a red card for what was obviously only two yellow card offences. Outrage!

Tim Lovejoy and Adrian Chiles went head to head as Chelsea and West Brom shared 6 goals! All of them to Chelsea! And in the most important match of the weekend for fans of Wolves and Stoke it was as story of two Joneses. Kenwyne getting injured early in his debut and David helping Wanderers to a win with a improvised kick off the ball. Wowza!

Thomas Rosicky actually managed to kick the ball where the sun does shine, imagine that? Well not Liverpool goalie Pepe Reina, who made a glare-ing error by throwing the ball into his own goal net.

And on Monday night the final game of the weekend saw last years Premier League runner-upers take on the Premier League 2’s champions. An outright victory for the team based in Manchester but those Newcastle boys definitely won the ‘tache competition. No points for that though lads!

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